Let me first start out by saying that this post is very hard for me to write because it goes deep. I’m talking wayyyy deep. I’m about to share with you some of my most darkest moments in life - moments that only a handful of people, if that, know of. I’ve tried to talk about it before, but often times, I stop because I’m afraid, embarrassed, and fearful. But today, that all changes. Today, I share with you my story, my journey of health & fitness, the years I spent “in the dark side” and where I’m at today. I’m sharing this with you today in hopes that it resonates with you, it helps you, or that it simply gives you a little more insight into who I am & why I do what I do.

There are two big events in my life that sparked my passion for health & fitness. The first was the passing of my mom, from ovarian cancer. She was just 38. The second was my battle with disordered eating throughout college & grad school. 

My Early Years

It wasn’t until recently (I’m talking a handful of months ago), that I made the connection between my passion for health & my mom’s passing. I was barely 5 years old when she passed away, and there isn’t much that I remember about her, but I know a few things. She loved working out and she was gone too soon. 

She was big into the aerobics boom of the 80s. I only know this about her because of what others have told me, but when I became a group exercise instructor at 19 & found this information out, I felt connected to her in a way I’ve never felt before. I finally felt a connection to her that I’ve longed for my entire life. We had a common interest - and I began to fantasize about how we’d go to workout classes together when I was home on break from school and how maybe she would have taken me to classes with her as I was growing up. For the first time in a long time, I could actually picture her right next to me, smiling, laughing, and I swear up & down that I could actually feel her love. 

There was less than one year from the time of her diagnosis to the time she passed away. Less than one freaking year. That’s why ovarian cancer is often referred to as the silent killer  - there aren’t any signs or symptoms, until it is too late. There’s also no known cause of OC. Although there is no known cause, the majority of all cancer diagnoses are related to lifestyle habits. And that’s not to say that my mom made poor lifestyle choices (according to my family, she didn’t), but that all the more fuels my passion for helping others make lifestyle changes to avoid the onset of chronic diseases, pain, &/or suffering.

Interesting Fact: I have a cancer ribbon tattoo on my shoulder that is colored in with the colors of teal, purple, white, and pink, which represents ovarian, pancreatic, lung, and breast cancer, respectively. All cancers that have been diagnosed in my family. 

My College Years.. When Too Much of a Good Thing Becomes Bad

Like most 18 year olds, I had no idea what I wanted to study at school. My first semester was just a mod-podge of random classes that I thought I *may* be interested in. It wasn’t until spring semester, I learned of a degree option called “Exercise Science”. I found this option to be very intriguing because it was something I have never heard of & I loved running (that this point, I had I recently joined BGSU’s Club Cross Country team). Running was the only exercise I really did but I loved running more than anything! Running was my outlet - it was the way I gained confidence, mental strength, physical strength, and grew outside of my very shy, very timid shell. So that fateful spring semester of 2012, I enrolled in an intro to kinesiology class for the fall. Come fall, I learned that I freaking loved my intro class. I found the human body so fascinating! The way we are designed to move & function, it just all blew my mind! Not long into that semester I declared my major and started taking All. The. Classes. I just loved my classes & couldn’t wait to go to class *nerd alert*.

Now being the overachiever that I am, I couldn’t just get a degree in exercise science, I had to start working in the field early (because you know what they say in school? Get good grades & have experience and everyone will want to hire you (to that I say, HA!)). I had recently started working in my school’s rec center & then applied for work in their wellness center too. I just wanted to learn all that I could! Working in the Wellness Connection lead me to meeting the Fitness Director, who told me all about becoming a group exercise instructor, so, I went out & got certified & started teaching right away! A few months later, I got my personal training certification. I was ALL in. I was loving school, learning new ways to exercise, was helping others exercise through training & teaching classes, I felt on top of the world..

And that’s when the darkest started to set. Being the competitive person that I am, I felt that if I was going to be taken seriously as a trainer & instructor, I had to “look the part”. I began working out ALL THE TIME. I needed to have a 6 pack, how else would anyone want to take my abs class? I would have to get in my cardio & my lift for each day because I had to do more than the recommendations because I wanted to be better than everyone *MAJOR eye roll*. So I began working out for at least 2 hours a day (not including all the fitness classes I would teach & the people I would train). Not to mention that, I was still a student (taking a boatload of classes because I “had” to still graduate on time - plus I added 2 minors *eye roll*), I “had” to get straight As, I was working nearly full time between my 2 fitness jobs, my position at the rec center (I went for a promotion for the highest ranking student employee and got it), & my position at the Wellness Connection, I was in a relationship, and I was a part of multiple clubs & a sorority because #extracurricularsareimportant (another lie). So naturally, my sleep took a hit & I only slept about 4 hours a night - who needs sleep anyways? I thought I was doing everything right. I even began only eating “healthy” foods. No desserts, no pasta, limiting my fruit because “sugar is bad”, only eating salads for lunch & dinner. Sometimes, we’d go to the buffets on campus and I’d be so hungry, I’d go HAM and that’s when the binging started.. But I would tell myself that that’s okay because it’s a buffet and you’re supposed to eat a lot & feel terrible afterwards. From there, when I would binge, or be so fixated on a cookie that I would say “f*ck it” & eat the cookie, I’d head straight to the gym and workout until I had burned off ALL the calories I just consumed. I would go so far as to calculate how many calories I ate & then calculate what I needed to do to burn them off - and I’d only stop once I reached the calorie goal I set for myself, based off my heart rate monitor, not the machines because I learned in class that the machines are very inaccurate when predicting calories burned.

That’s when I was in the deepest part of the dark side to wellness. The constant over exercising, the fear of almost all foods, the punishments for “failing” my diet, the anxiety from days that I wouldn’t workout. I was spiraling. The worst part of this whole thing was, deep down I knew what I was doing was no longer healthy but I kept going because of the compliments I was receiving. “You look so good”, “you’re so small”, “you’re so fit”. My obsessive need to be the best was (in my mind) finally being achieved, and I needed more complements, I needed to do more, to burn more, to sweat more. It wasn’t until we started learning about different eating disorders & disordered eating patterns that I consciously became aware of what I was really doing to myself. I was destroying myself. The lack of nutritious food & energy, the overexhaustion of multiple hours a day exercising, the lack of sleep, it was all adding up to putting myself at risk for a variety of very serious diseases & chronic health issues that I WAS TRYING TO AVOID IN THE FIRST PLACE (refer back to the first half of this blog post).

I began to slowly cut back the amount of exercise that I would do every day. Maybe I would just lift one day and do cardio on a different day. Then I began to slowly introduce more foods that I believed were healthier options, like instead of no cheese or pasta, I would eat low-fat cheese & whole wheat pasta. I had less fear of foods but the battle with overexercising continued. My senior year was better, but I’d still find myself “treating myself” to pizza & wine night and then the next day on the elliptical for far too long. It was a constant battle, and honestly it always will be. 

Then I started grad school. I was newly single, in a new town where I didn’t know anyone, & I was just trying to be more “adult” like. I think that’s when the obsession with over exercising began to slow down.. grad school is hard & my priorities changed. I didn’t necessary want to be the fittest anymore, I wanted to write a thesis and get a well paying job, move out of Ohio & finally start making money (I know, I’m so exciting lol). I started following the BBG program’s because grad school is a lot of work and those workouts were only 28 minutes long. I also wasn’t allowed to teach fitness classes while being a grad student (because of the terms of my assistant), so the amount of time I spent working out every day dramatically reduced. That’s when I really realized that I can workout, be a student, and even have a second job and not want to cry every day. I was actually living a life! I had friends again (I didn’t have many in undergrad because I was so busy working out & not very friendly because I was so hungry), I was learning even more about exercise in school, I had moved to a completely new place for the first time in my life, I was truly enjoying life for what it has to offer!

Today

These days, my eating patterns are more balanced. I no longer look at foods as good vs bad or healthy vs unhealthy, but as more or less nutritious. I take a more intuitive eating approach now. I honor my body & feed it based off of what it needs. If it’s a cookie, I’ll eat it, if it’s a grilled chicken salad with a creamy dressing, I’ll eat that. Intuitive eating is a journey, you have to learn how to listen to your body, you have to learn how to reject diet culture, and you have to learn to love yourself. You can read more about intuitive eating here. While I haven’t had a relapse in quite some time, recovery isn’t linear, and I don’t believe you are ever fully “healed” from an eating disorder or disordered eating pattern. I think it’s always going to be a battle, you’re always going to have to be aware of what triggers you - for me, it’s my emotion of frustration & angry that trigger me the most - and have healthy systems in place to avoid a relapse, whether that’s a friend or family member, a hotline, or another system you set in place.

That’s why I became a health coach and a personal trainer because I know what it’s like to struggle with your health. I know what it’s like to think you’re doing all the right things when the reality is your not. I know what it’s like to feel lost & confused & hopeless, and that’s why I was put here on earth. That’s why I’ve dedicated my life to helping others make lifestyle changes, so you don’t have to live your life lost, confused, struggling, or in pain, and instead can live a life full of joy, happiness, & all the beauty that life has to offer <3

So friend, there you have it. My journey & the reasons i’m passionate about health & wellness. Please feel free to share this post with anyone you know who may benefit from my story. We are here to help one another. Thank you so much for reading and taking time to care about my story. Being able to share this with you has felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, you mean the world to me.

<3 with lots of love,

Veronica

If you or someone you know needs help, please contact the National Eating Disorder Association at your preferred method:

• NEDA Helpline (800)931-2237

  • available Mon-Thu from 9am-9pm EST & Fri 9am-5pm EST 

• For a Crisis Situation, text NEDA to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at their Crisis Text Line

• Or you can also chat online with a specialist here

Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash